Day 2 I had such cravings and was so worried I would be hungry at work that I ate myself into a stomach ache. I had soup then cereal and egg whites and then an orange and by the end of work my stomach felt tight and big. I don't know why I cant tell anymore if I'm hungry or full, but I want to just eat. I ordered Indian food when I got home and could have eaten all of it because it was so good, but I ate half and will eat the rest for dinner tonight. I worked out, did 30 mins of cardio yesterday and did an hour with my trainer. Sometimes I feel like I can eat more when I work out with her, but really I know it should be eat less and move more. I feel like this is my binge eating phase. I always feel guilty the next day
Today is day 3 of writing and I am taking it slow, actually trying to see if I am hungry or not. So far I have had raisin bran and skim milk, a celemetine, and tea. Now I am having a coffee because I am starting to get tired. I haven't worked out today because my dog woke up with a swelling and itchy eye so I felt obligated to watch him and flush the eye out every few hours before I go to work. But I still don't know what lunch will be. I wish I could just eat a yogurt, some walnuts, and call it a day but I get hungry and then that's when it goes all downhill.
There was a girl at the gym yesterday who I couldn't even stand to look at. She was tall and had long blond hair. Her chest was perky and she was thin. Her clothes all matched and the guys couldn't turn away from her. I saw her working out and then I looked at my own reflection and hated what I saw. I looked frumpy and fat. My clothes didn't match and my feet looked too long compared to how short I was. I would love to be seen as beautiful, but I know I am not. I know I am someone people hardly see because there isn't that much that is special looking on me. I am over weight and I worry that if I don't get my weight together my boyfriend will break up with me. He isn't crazy about looks, but he wants a woman who takes care of herself. I feel like I cant or don't know how. I was thinner when I met him and because of that I was fun and playful and felt like I oozed happiness. I thinks that's what drew us together.
Today I am going to try and remember to do sit ups during the break at work. Hopefully I can do enough that my abs hurt as much as my arms today from working with my trainer. Maybe I will take a walk at dinner too, just to burn some energy.
17.11.10
16.11.10
Day 1
I cant tell you how many times I told myself "OK, today is day 1 of back on the diet". I'm not trying to be mean to myself, its just something I have realized in the past year. I thought with my boyfriend not around for dinner anymore I would have a chance to eat the right food groups, the ones listed in separate parts of the food triangle, not the ones all mashed together in a bun with melted cheese all over it dripping in sauce.
Today was a day off and I actually got time to spend with my loved one. We went to IHOP where we are usually found on a day off together. I went for the blueberry pancakes with blueberry sauce all over them and 2 eggs sunny side up. No lunch and dinner ended up being at 8pm with PF Changs orange peel shrimp, double pan fried noodles, white rice, and chicken lettuce wraps. This honestly isn't my normal eating pattern. I try and stick to the same meals all week, but lately I have been slipping more and more and seeing and feeling myself gain weight. My usual meals during the week are:
BFAST:
1) oatmeal and berries OR,
2) raisin bran with a banana or blueberries, 1/2 cup of skim milk OR,
3) peanut butter and jelly toast
and with either of those: 3 hard boiled egg whites and a coffee with either flavored creamer or skim milk and 1 sugar and 1 Splenda
LUNCH:
1) hummus with veggies and pita bread OR,
2) turkey on whole wheat with honey mustard OR,
3) soup and salad
and with either of those a glass of water or tea
DINNER:
1) some protein I made
2) usually frozen veggies I microwave at work
3) usually whole grain rice I microwave at work
4) sometimes I eat out
SNACKS:
1) fruit: clementines, bananas, strawberries, apples, peaches, mango
2) Special K bars
3) cookies
4) cake
5) coffee w cream
6) OH MY!
But when my bf is around its all bad stuff, he is my weakness with food though he doesn't push me and has always says, "I don't want to ruin what you have got going". Its the fact that we never see each other and going out for dinner is always something we both enjoy. We like food, we like bad food, we share our time together enjoying what we can because our lives are so deprived elsewhere. We both work intense jobs where we don't get to enjoy time off like other people. Going out to eat or eating something deemed "bad for you" is one way of giving ourselves a present.
My job is hard to stay on a diet because everyone there is either bringing in baked goods or its their birthday and there is cake. I once was so good at saying no and choosing to eat my fruit instead and I lost close to 80lbs, but lately I cant say no. Lately I am eating it all and more then I should because I need to feel that too full feeling to know when to stop. I eat when I get home after work which I never did.
The problem is that I don't know what is causing this need for food. I am a little bored, a little unsure of myself, a little in need a quality time with myself, and somewhat in need of a steady lifestyle but none of that I think if effecting my eating habits besides the occasional emotional eating (which I am really good at noticing). I guess this blog will be used to figure out my obsession with the full feeling and be somewhere to release my anger with food at the same time. What I hope to get from this blog is a critical eye and a need for a stronger ability to say no when there is chocolate (or anything not planned) in front of me.
Alright....on to day 2.
Midge.
Today was a day off and I actually got time to spend with my loved one. We went to IHOP where we are usually found on a day off together. I went for the blueberry pancakes with blueberry sauce all over them and 2 eggs sunny side up. No lunch and dinner ended up being at 8pm with PF Changs orange peel shrimp, double pan fried noodles, white rice, and chicken lettuce wraps. This honestly isn't my normal eating pattern. I try and stick to the same meals all week, but lately I have been slipping more and more and seeing and feeling myself gain weight. My usual meals during the week are:
BFAST:
1) oatmeal and berries OR,
2) raisin bran with a banana or blueberries, 1/2 cup of skim milk OR,
3) peanut butter and jelly toast
and with either of those: 3 hard boiled egg whites and a coffee with either flavored creamer or skim milk and 1 sugar and 1 Splenda
LUNCH:
1) hummus with veggies and pita bread OR,
2) turkey on whole wheat with honey mustard OR,
3) soup and salad
and with either of those a glass of water or tea
DINNER:
1) some protein I made
2) usually frozen veggies I microwave at work
3) usually whole grain rice I microwave at work
4) sometimes I eat out
SNACKS:
1) fruit: clementines, bananas, strawberries, apples, peaches, mango
2) Special K bars
3) cookies
4) cake
5) coffee w cream
6) OH MY!
But when my bf is around its all bad stuff, he is my weakness with food though he doesn't push me and has always says, "I don't want to ruin what you have got going". Its the fact that we never see each other and going out for dinner is always something we both enjoy. We like food, we like bad food, we share our time together enjoying what we can because our lives are so deprived elsewhere. We both work intense jobs where we don't get to enjoy time off like other people. Going out to eat or eating something deemed "bad for you" is one way of giving ourselves a present.
My job is hard to stay on a diet because everyone there is either bringing in baked goods or its their birthday and there is cake. I once was so good at saying no and choosing to eat my fruit instead and I lost close to 80lbs, but lately I cant say no. Lately I am eating it all and more then I should because I need to feel that too full feeling to know when to stop. I eat when I get home after work which I never did.
The problem is that I don't know what is causing this need for food. I am a little bored, a little unsure of myself, a little in need a quality time with myself, and somewhat in need of a steady lifestyle but none of that I think if effecting my eating habits besides the occasional emotional eating (which I am really good at noticing). I guess this blog will be used to figure out my obsession with the full feeling and be somewhere to release my anger with food at the same time. What I hope to get from this blog is a critical eye and a need for a stronger ability to say no when there is chocolate (or anything not planned) in front of me.
Alright....on to day 2.
Midge.
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