Love Sick

Is there someone out there who will love me?
Fill my heart with everything that has been missing?
That's what I want, the kind of love I see in others smiles and the way they touch each other.
I want to smile that big, hold someone that tight, feel how much they love me.

Quote

" ...If compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. Not to leave themselves. I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this. Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight. But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be full alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this by the simple act of bolting-of leaving ourselves-hundreds of times a day."

Geneen Roth
Women, Food, and God
Page 37

Quote!

"To get it together we have to let it all fall apart" - Geneen Roth

What I'm eating today

Someone who goes to Overeaters Anonymous told me she emails another person there everything she will eat for the day as a way to own her food intake and be conscious and accountable.

I am going to put myself on blast here today and write down what I'm eating and going to eat:

Bfast: smoothie with kale, spinach, almond milk, almond butter, an apple

Lunch: kale salad with fetta cheese and vegetables. A whole wheat wrap with chicken curry and raisins inside.

Snack: greens powder with 1/4 lemonade and the rest water

Dinner: either salmon teriyaki with broccoli or a salad with crab on top.

At dinner I am going to take a walk to get my food and not have it delivered. I may pick up some brown rice on the way.

As a dessert I have a gluten free coco mania bar.

I will stop eating after 7:30 except maybe a glass of tulsi tea at 9:00pm

Uplifting Quote

"Wherever you are on the path towards health and balance, whether you have just begun the process or are many years along...everything you need for self-acceptance and joy is inside you now, like seeds already planted in the moist ground of a garden. All it takes for them to grow is a little water, a little time, a little attention, a little love"

Forward by Anne Lamott in the book
"When you eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair" by Geneen Roth.

Thyroid Taken Out Week 2

I thought when you got your thyroid taken out you were supposed to feel so much better. I had this vision that I wouldn't be as tired, that I wouldn't be as anxious, that I wouldn't be as impatient, but I am still all of those plus depressed. It could be that I miss work, but that is just my guard up to the world...working all the time. Work takes all my attention away so that I don't have to think about the "what if's" of life.

What if I am not supposed to be doing what I am?
What if I am wasting time?
What if I am not loved the way I want to be?
What if I will never find someone who completes me?
What if I move?
What if I have something else wrong with me?
What if I made a mistake in my life?
What if I will never feel happy?


I thought for some reason these feelings would go away, being sad and feeling alone in my life. I always end up feeling alone. I don't know why when I crave to have someone understand me and see who I really am. Everyday I feel alone with my thoughts, like I am going to be judged and I realize I don't give anyone the time to prove me wrong. I hide and mask my feelings. I'm really sad, I know this. I also know I need therapy, but even then I feel I can't make the time.


Step 1 after thyroid surgery: get a therapist

My goal for the day.

Thyroid is outtie!

With having to have my thyroid out and having my car totaled, I haven't slept much. I woke up this morning feeling exhausted, good thing I go in for surgery today and will get a "good nights rest" while I'm there!

It's strange how we all hold tension. I have been watching myself and my habits when I feel stressed. I grind my teeth, have upset stomach issues, get headaches, don't eat all day then go on a binge feast at night, loose my temper, etc. etc.

Today I feel calm, tired, and looking forward to moving ahead.

Let's see what else this crazy like will bring me!

Random Thinking

I'm 29, I have cancer

I've don't know where my life will take me next, but I feel like I have way to many distractions around me. I have lost myself and the want for this world to have me. I go through my daily routines and I loose myself in them. My head is no longer clear, my thoughts are tangled, I don't form complete thought patterns, and I've grown to not like who I am.

People around me seem to have things planned out better then me. They seem to be able to do it all. I'm jealous of the lives my friends lead, I'm stuck in a spinning wheel.

How does one even start to find themselves after a chunk of their body has been cut into and removed? Where do I begin?

Sophia Vergara and Thyroid Cancer

So I have been sort of diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer, they can't really say what it is till they open me up and test the mass inside me, but to add a cherry to the whole process they think the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes. I had a ultrasound mapping done and there are two that are larger then the rest and they are right near the mass.

So far I have seen 3 doctors and omitted 1. One doctor is in NJ near my house and one is in NYC. How does one choose a surgeon? Yes you need to trust him, but how do you know what he is really telling you will happen? Anything can happen on that bed...

I want to close my eyes and this never happened to me. I am so overwhelmed with dealing with this, seeing doctors, having tests done, and working.

I read that Sophia Vergara from Modern Family had Thyroid Cancer in 2008, I guess she had plastic surgery to hide her scar. Because she is the new Pepsi spokeswoman she has a huge billboard up in Times Square. I took a picture of it and started to cry as I walked away. She is now my inspiration, she survived and now look at her, endorsements and TV shows out the wazoo. I don't necessarily want all that, but I do what to achieve my dreams and inspire others. I want to mean something in this life. I was to feel like I am on a billboard every day.

Positive imaging

I am walking up a street in NYC, coming from somewhere relaxing. There is a slight chill in the air so I'm bundled up but it's not over powering. I have a smile on my face and I'm thinking about my week to come, meetings, one on one conversations fashion, beauty, generosity are all being thrown my way. That smile is to show my world that I am open and letting all of this into my life. I worked hard to get to where I am and I'm happy. There is money in the bank Nd my name on a letterhead. My world is filled with caring people who defy the typical NYC image. They care and act kindly towards others. They inspire me everyday.

My job is one to inspire others through beauty and care.