Loneliness and strength

Feeling very alone in this stage of my life. I need to feel loved and hear that I am loved, every side is falling apart and I'm just trying to deep breath and not stress out. Telling myself over and over again to keep my power, find my strength and move with the tide. My life has been planned for me, I need to just follow and stay healthy.

Thyroid issues

So my thyroid has a mass in it that is being fed by blood, it needs to be removed. Maybe this is why I'm having such a hard time loosing weight!!!?? Or maybe it's all the junk I can't stop eating? Anyways I'm headed for surgery sometime soon.

Never had surgery and it's all a little scary with it maybe being cancer. Once the mass is taken out they will test it for cancer and if it is cancer then I have to have the left thyroid taken out too. Craziness for a person who never gets sick.

At the same time this was all going down, Greg and I were dealing with a busted hot water heater that needs to be replaced. I guess it was a blessing in disguise because no real attention could be paid on me because phone calls needed to be made, so then I couldn't really think about everything and kind of stayed calm.

My parents are not calm though, my mon has called three times now asking different questions. It was making me stressed so I didn't return the last call ( Sorry Mom!). I just don't know what to think...do I get a second opinion? Do I go the holistic route first? Do I just go through with it? Do I trust my new doctors? So many things to think about.

One thing that Greg did that surprised me is he asked the doctor with the hormones I will be put on will it prevent me from having a baby one day? The doctor said no. I wasn't even there with my mind yet, thank God he was.

So I'll give you secret readers out there more info when I get it but for now I'm just gonna keep working and call it a night.

Xoxo

Quote:

"Your journey to a purposeful and inspired life begins when you acknowledge the primordial creative power within you-the godliness-and then harness that power to achieve the results you desire" Jillian Michaels

Unlimited chapter 1

I'm working through my Jillian Michaels book " unlimited" and one of the first questions she asked is what is my goal? I never thought of working through life towards a goal, but now that I am I realize this goal has to be a serious one. I have thoughts in my head like "ok, I wann loose weight" but when it come down to it I do eat those tostitos as soon as I get home. So I really need to think of this goal idea. I guess that's my goal for the week, what actually is my life goal right now?

She also asks what am I good at, and since I've never really thought about it either Im going to make a list. This list will be good for when I'm feeling low and down on myself. I will be constantly adding things to it because I always remember later when having to remember a to do list etc. Here goes:

I am good at:
1. Dancing
2. Being on time
3. Sharing
4. From Greg: good with children
5. Taking care of Ty
6. Prioritizing
7. Styling other people
8. Extrovert
9. I'm good in casual and intimate settings
10. I get excited by new projects but enjoy the stability of something established.
11. I like to be moving around with things to do
12. I did enjoy serving food at the soup kitchen
13. I enjoy working a lone for the most part though I do like working with people that inspire me.
14. I'm definitely a creative person
15. I believe in not littering, caring for people, and embracing the daily dilemmas without stress
16. I want to take a hip hop dance class, I've never done it.


My list of hobbies that I don't currently make money from:

1. Clothing design
2. Jewelry design
3. Styling
4. Painting/art
5. Baking
6. Cooking
7. Inspiring people
8. my favorite thing to do is shop
9. My favorite class in college was assemblage with Randy Williams my art teacher
10. My ideal day would be; exercising , a yoga class, and finding rest.

Two people in my head

Came home last night and ate chips with melted pepper jack cheese on them and dipped it in guacamole. Then preceded to eat some chocolate and starburst. It was almost an out of body experience. I felt like I was two different people, the Midge who wrote earlier that day was struggling but this Midge at home isn't and she can eat what she wants with no repercussion. Through the whole chowing down I witnessed this head game I was playing, but didn't stop myself. Weird, I know.

I did get up and go to the gym. I got on the treadmill to power walk and maybe run if I felt into it. I did run, for 10 minutes and a pretty fast paced stride for 2 minutes right at the end. I didn't want to stop, but I knew I wanted to try a workout plan I saw on YouTube. I didn't do the whole set, but I did two sets of it and my legs are shaking and I feel like I worked hard.

So I'm proud I got to the gym and I'm proud that I will be counting calories today. I started with breakfast already and plan to buy a low calorie soup for lunch and something clean and easy for dinner.

This will happen for me because I believe in myself and see my goals when I close my eyes.

I'm strong!

Lately I haven't been able to get up and go to the gym. I always wake up with some excuse, but then instantly regret it when I do finally get up. Because I didn't get up and go to the gym today I promised myself I would eat healthy. I packed my lunch and made myself eat within 1,300 calorie range. So far I have done ok. I always need something sweet after lunch so instead of finding some leftover Halloween chocolate, I sucked on a jolly rancher and then had some tea. I feel I made a huge adjustment to my normal behavior just doing that.

After dinner I usually want something sweet as well and I started heading over to Baskin Robbins. On my way there I stopped and said to myself "you are going to be so mad at yourself later". I turned around and went and got a natural juice drink. Another major accomplishment in my day.

I feel proud right now, it's like I beat my cravings in a way. I can do this, I can loose weight. I have done this before and I want to do it again. One meal at a time :)

Back to the gym

Its 6:38am and I am up and dressed for the gym. I haven't been in maybe a month purely do to lack of motivation and poor time management. I have been watching what I was eating for most of the month, but there were days that I did eat chicken fingers and ice cream in the same day. I ALWAYS beat myself up later, saying you can only do that if you see the gym, but I never go. So now that it is October 1st I am really going to push to try and make it to the gym everyday this month. I have seen how my stomach looks in the new dress I bought in the summer to wear in the fall and I look pregnant. No crunches and no cardio really do make me look like I am a few months pregnant, how sad of me. I'm 28 and could be fit, but I weigh 154.6 and since I am only 5'2 I really should be smaller.

Poor self image definitely comes from working around beautiful women all day, but I can always reverse that and take care of myself instead. So I am headed off to the gym as soon as I get off of this computer and I am going to start the change and make myself feel happier by the way I look.

:)