Day 2 and 3

Day 2 I had such cravings and was so worried I would be hungry at work that I ate myself into a stomach ache. I had soup then cereal and egg whites and then an orange and by the end of work my stomach felt tight and big. I don't know why I cant tell anymore if I'm hungry or full, but I want to just eat. I ordered Indian food when I got home and could have eaten all of it because it was so good, but I ate half and will eat the rest for dinner tonight. I worked out, did 30 mins of cardio yesterday and did an hour with my trainer. Sometimes I feel like I can eat more when I work out with her, but really I know it should be eat less and move more. I feel like this is my binge eating phase. I always feel guilty the next day

Today is day 3 of writing and I am taking it slow, actually trying to see if I am hungry or not. So far I have had raisin bran and skim milk, a celemetine, and tea. Now I am having a coffee because I am starting to get tired. I haven't worked out today because my dog woke up with a swelling and itchy eye so I felt obligated to watch him and flush the eye out every few hours before I go to work. But I still don't know what lunch will be. I wish I could just eat a yogurt, some walnuts, and call it a day but I get hungry and then that's when it goes all downhill.

There was a girl at the gym yesterday who I couldn't even stand to look at. She was tall and had long blond hair. Her chest was perky and she was thin. Her clothes all matched and the guys couldn't turn away from her. I saw her working out and then I looked at my own reflection and hated what I saw. I looked frumpy and fat. My clothes didn't match and my feet looked too long compared to how short I was. I would love to be seen as beautiful, but I know I am not. I know I am someone people hardly see because there isn't that much that is special looking on me. I am over weight and I worry that if I don't get my weight together my boyfriend will break up with me. He isn't crazy about looks, but he wants a woman who takes care of herself. I feel like I cant or don't know how. I was thinner when I met him and because of that I was fun and playful and felt like I oozed happiness. I thinks that's what drew us together.

Today I am going to try and remember to do sit ups during the break at work. Hopefully I can do enough that my abs hurt as much as my arms today from working with my trainer. Maybe I will take a walk at dinner too, just to burn some energy.