Day 1

I cant tell you how many times I told myself "OK, today is day 1 of back on the diet". I'm not trying to be mean to myself, its just something I have realized in the past year. I thought with my boyfriend not around for dinner anymore I would have a chance to eat the right food groups, the ones listed in separate parts of the food triangle, not the ones all mashed together in a bun with melted cheese all over it dripping in sauce.

Today was a day off and I actually got time to spend with my loved one. We went to IHOP where we are usually found on a day off together. I went for the blueberry pancakes with blueberry sauce all over them and 2 eggs sunny side up. No lunch and dinner ended up being at 8pm with PF Changs orange peel shrimp, double pan fried noodles, white rice, and chicken lettuce wraps. This honestly isn't my normal eating pattern. I try and stick to the same meals all week, but lately I have been slipping more and more and seeing and feeling myself gain weight. My usual meals during the week are:

BFAST:
1) oatmeal and berries OR,
2) raisin bran with a banana or blueberries, 1/2 cup of skim milk OR,
3) peanut butter and jelly toast

and with either of those: 3 hard boiled egg whites and a coffee with either flavored creamer or skim milk and 1 sugar and 1 Splenda

LUNCH:
1) hummus with veggies and pita bread OR,
2) turkey on whole wheat with honey mustard OR,
3) soup and salad

and with either of those a glass of water or tea

DINNER:
1) some protein I made
2) usually frozen veggies I microwave at work
3) usually whole grain rice I microwave at work
4) sometimes I eat out

SNACKS:
1) fruit: clementines, bananas, strawberries, apples, peaches, mango
2) Special K bars
3) cookies
4) cake
5) coffee w cream
6) OH MY!

But when my bf is around its all bad stuff, he is my weakness with food though he doesn't push me and has always says, "I don't want to ruin what you have got going". Its the fact that we never see each other and going out for dinner is always something we both enjoy. We like food, we like bad food, we share our time together enjoying what we can because our lives are so deprived elsewhere. We both work intense jobs where we don't get to enjoy time off like other people. Going out to eat or eating something deemed "bad for you" is one way of giving ourselves a present.

My job is hard to stay on a diet because everyone there is either bringing in baked goods or its their birthday and there is cake. I once was so good at saying no and choosing to eat my fruit instead and I lost close to 80lbs, but lately I cant say no. Lately I am eating it all and more then I should because I need to feel that too full feeling to know when to stop. I eat when I get home after work which I never did.

The problem is that I don't know what is causing this need for food. I am a little bored, a little unsure of myself, a little in need a quality time with myself, and somewhat in need of a steady lifestyle but none of that I think if effecting my eating habits besides the occasional emotional eating (which I am really good at noticing). I guess this blog will be used to figure out my obsession with the full feeling and be somewhere to release my anger with food at the same time. What I hope to get from this blog is a critical eye and a need for a stronger ability to say no when there is chocolate (or anything not planned) in front of me.

Alright....on to day 2.

Midge.